I'm doing real good. My trust is kicking in and operating at a good level. It's taken alot of small steps though. There's a whole fuck load of things I just don't have to worry about, and that's incredible. I feel incredibly grateful.. I'm just unsure of where to direct that gratitude! The lies and the feel-bads are just smoke and mirrors.
It takes the belief and the disregard of the pretenses of society and beliefs. I can't give the mind-ghosts any attention, or they become real again, and my fantasies become vague. I slip between worlds, believing in the boring dull greyness, until the pain becomes too strong and I remember what I want to choose. Then, the fantasy becomes real again, and reality is imbued with the sparkle people look for their entire lives.
And in that, aside from the enveloping calm, there's always the recognition that I've been here before.
The funny thing about widening my perception is that alot of it involves accepting the whims and impulses, and believe what I want to believe, embracing my own lunacy. I found myself in my lunacy. Somehow all of my notions of external reality escape me as I grasp for the invisible truth.
It's like trying to get out of a jail cell, clawing at the brick walls, shaking the bars, cursing whatever fates put you there. Suddenly I find myself absolutely free, by a window, looking at the cell like it was just a bad dream. I believed in the cell so much I made it my whole world.
It's very confusing, messy at times. The depths of my soul are absolutely harrowing, breath-taking. And I slip between that reality and the real world continuously. I have never been very balanced, it's always switching between extremes. but I'm determined to let go of the beliefs I don't need.
I feel like my mind is dulling, expanding in silence. I don't follow my thoughts, my emotions are directing me.. When I let go and become one with the universe. But what's beyond there, there's like, nothing. There's nothing. Just experience. A sandbox.
Even though I consider my life to be good, I've never really had it easy. But I know the reasons. I see that the dysfunction and pain I've caused myself is a very good base for exploding the ego, and I can see how I wanted it that way. My inner self has been an elusive jewel for very long, and the external world chaotic and dangerous.
I experiment with magic and have had some fun success. I think the most important aspect of the exercises I do is to let myself believe whatever it is I want to do is possible; to envision the reality holding your wished belief, and seeing that it's already there. There's no block.
I like that my reality reflects my flexibility. Stuff is always moving, bending a bit. I think my favourite part about it is that there's depth and life in 2D imagery, it makes images and movies so much more immersive and real. Pictures become windows, people look alive and breathing, frozen in time, but still with consciousness. It was very freaky when it began, but nowadays I just accept that pictures do that. I'm curious how many others have that.
My favourite trick, recently unlocked, is creating a cannabis high without smoking, it's fucking great, because I still don't believe that money grows on trees.
I always thought I had to push to have any success, but it's the other way around, you have to struggle and fight to keep your reality where it is, and let go to unlock its secrets.
Life is kind of a good joke and a deep mystery at the same time, and it's very, very strange.
My problem right now is that I've always held a strong belief in definite and singular goal; a worthwile and incredible pursuit that will dictate what I should do to satisfy my need for accomplishment, but I recognize there is none. I can choose, but outside of that choice, there's no absolute ideal to strive for. And it's like, all this amazing stuff that life now consists of, that my reality is actually my design, it's ironically like a let-down, because I still believe that all I need is direction. Instead I dive into that no-direction, and experience the fun of that, but it's conflicting with the beliefs that I need direction.
I have no defenses, no reasons, no morals. I mostly just play these days. I experiment, and sense rather than think.
D
